Gary Shelton Is A Bitter Fucking Troll

How did Gary Shelton survive eleven months without Bruce Allen around to blame for all his crippling emotional problems? He must have been consuming Little Debbie Cosmic Brownies by the gross just to be able to get up in the morning and look himself in the face. Well, the grinch who ate Christmas is back to his old form now that Allen has a new job in Washington. And it took Shelton exactly one day to dredge up all the same old shit that he bitched and moaned about from 2004 to 2008.

“Bruce Allen is a proven winner,” Snyder said Thursday.

Oh.

You can almost see Shelton’s erection through the screen at the opportunity to write his next paragraph. And because his lies cannot go unchallenged, we will trot out an encore presentation of the reasons why Allen is not the asshole Shelton paints him to be. Or, at the very least, why we shouldn’t care if he is.

You probably remember things differently, don’t you? Allen was the guy who drafted Michael Clayton and Gaines Adams and Dexter Jackson.

Yeah, and he’s also the guy who signed Clifton Smith and Donald Penn and Earnest Graham as undrafted free agents. You can’t mention the failures without the successes.

Maybe Shelton is more of a Rich McKay fan. You remember McKay, right? The guy who drafted Jacquez Green and Anthony McFarland and traded up for Kenyatta Walker.

He was the guy who signed Todd Steussie and Derrick Deese and Charlie Garner as free agents.

Yeah, why did he have to signed those shitty free agents? Because McKay left him such a salary cap quagmire that he couldn’t do anything else. After he was able to get a little maneuvering room, Allen signed players like Joey Galloway, Ike Hilliard, Matt Bryant and Jimmy Wilkerson. And he did it all on what was apparently a strict budget. Again, way to single out only the incidents that make your stupid fucking point.

He was the guy who told his fans that Chris Simms wasn’t hurt…

AGAIN WITH THIS?!? Sweet baby Jesus with diaper rash, Shelton is the pettiest, most bitter person I know that isn’t a politician. Simms himself said he felt like he was well enough to play and Allen wouldn’t come clean with you fuckers because it wasn’t any of your business what Simms’s condition was.

…and David Boston wasn’t guilty…

Yeah, at the time Allen said that Boston had blown a 0.00 on the Breathalyzer and said he was clean. After it came out that he was on GHB, they released him immediately and Allen made the following statement:

“The evidence we saw and the evidence we gathered, and the other tests we had other experts look at and we felt at that time there was no objective evidence,” said Allen.

“At the time we made that statement all of the evidence was pointing in his favor. Obviously something came out three weeks after that, and that obviously didn’t look favorable on David.”

Ooh, what a monster to stand behind his players until they’re proven guilty.

…and the Bucs weren’t chasing Brett Favre (This just in: Gruden has since said he went to bed thinking Favre would be a Buc the next morning.)

Maybe Shelton would just prefer to be granted admission to their draft war room and all their personnel meetings so he can write up exactly what the Bucs’ plans are and publish it for everyone. Or maybe he’d like to get Allen and the Bucs fined a couple hundred grand for talking publicly about acquiring a player that’s still under contract with another team. Ask Florio about the consequences of tampering. I’m sure he’ll give you an exhaustive lesson.

That was Allen, too, who treated the truth as if he was afraid of going over the cap. He was smug, and he was distant, and he disliked reporters as much as many of them disliked him.

Sorry, you’re not entitled, Gary. Why? Because no matter what Allen says, you’re going to shape it to fit your agenda and because he doesn’t need any of the other 31 teams knowing anything more than they need to about the Bucs. He made your job harder than it was under McKay and for that he has earned your eternal scorn. Well good. I hope you choke and die on it.

Who knows? Maybe Brian Griese and Tim Brown and Steussie could join the Redskins, too. Hey, maybe Allen could even trade for the Bucs’ rights to Jake Plummer. Just for old-times’ sake.

Clayton credits Brown with his success in his rookie season, so that worked out. Greise went 12-9 as a Buccaneer starter, which isn’t too shabby. And the Glazers converted a seventh-round pick to $3.5-million because of the Plummer trade. Find better examples, you douche.

Still, they were quite the pair, Gruden and his handpicked general manager. They made headlines, they livened up talk shows, they sparked debate. When you watched the Bucs, by golly, you had an opinion about them both.

Now, they can have a reunion tour. Gruden and Allen. Allen and Gruden.

It would be fun. It would be special. It would be fascinating.

Best of all, it would be somewhere else.

We can only hope the same for you, Gary.