Gruden Documenting Middle East Trip

Jon Gruden took a USO trip to the middle east last week along with some other NFL coaches to visit the troops and show them how to really yell and swear. I hesitate to call Gruden’s documentation of the trip “blogging” because there are only two entries and I’m not entirely comfortable with the idea of Gruden as a blogger. He seems more technology-adverse than that. It’s like saying that Gruden is also Twittering. It’s just weird. But whoever took down Gruden’s dictation and punched it into the computer did a good job.

We later went to a beautiful palace in Kirkuk called Alfau Palace, where Gen. Odierno lives and works. While there, we participated in a roundtable discussion with the fans. Former Steelers head coach Bill Cowher tried to turn some of Iraq into Steeler Nation and some of the other coaches didn’t quite agree. He was even carrying around his “Terrible Towel.”

You know “didn’t quote agree” means Gruden burned him down. How awesome would that be? Cowher and Gruden in each other’s faces arguing and spitting and mugging and screaming until one of them was just too exhausted to continue. That should be a weekly TV show on NFL Network.

The hotel where we are staying is one of Saddam Hussein’s former palaces. The fact we are staying in one is kind of cool, because there are some special guests here. All five of us are in the same room on double bunk beds, so there’s only one coach on this trip who has to sleep on the top bunk bed and that would be me. I’m on the top bunk bed.

He’s going to make it sound like such a burden, but you know he loves being up there. Everyone knows the top bunk is prime real estate.

These other guys are too big and older than me so we let Coach Cowher sleep below me.

And Gruden spent several hours hanging his ass over the side and farting in Cowher’s face and giggling like a motherfucker.

Titans head coach Jeff Fisher is on his own bed. Ravens head coach John Harbaugh is a big guy, so he took the lower bunk and Coughlin got a bed that would impress anybody. He’s getting treated like a king — he got a double bed.

Because Coughlin will EAT YOUR FACE OFF IF YOU DON’T GIVE HIM THE GOD DAMN RESPECT HE DESERVES!!!

Little Jonny, the guy without the job, is stuck upstairs with no chance.

1) Cowher is there, too.
2) ESPN would like a word with you about your MNF contract.
3) “Little Jonny” is the new “Chucky”.

We share everything in the room, even the shower.

Aaaaaaand scene.

Coach Cowher and I kept taking off our Super Bowl rings and letting the soldiers wear them. They loved it.

That is fucking awesome. I’ll bet that gave them a bigger thrill than any concert or comedian. Plus you know it’s a nice dig at the other coaches. “Oh, YOU don’t have one of these? Really? Huh, and here I was thinking I was the one who got fired. Well, you really must try winning one some day.”

We saw Buccaneer and Oakland Raiders tattoos, Steelers Nation was well represented, and there was a pocket of Giants fans, I don’t understand that, but they were here.

Have I mentioned how much I love Jon Gruden yet?

After seeing how hard our troops work over here, I can’t imagine a better place to be on the Fourth of July.

Gruden sounds genuinely impressed with everything he’s seeing and it’s really cool to read about the trip in his voice. It’s great that these coaches took the time to go over there and spend a couple days shaking hands and signing autographs but I’m sure the coaches would say that they got more out of it than the troops did. I’ve spoken to a couple middle east veterans who say that things like this are a huge relief and break from what I understand is endless monotony while on duty. Thanks to all of them.

If you’re not a professional entertainer and have no business going to a military base, but still want to help the troops in some way, go to anysolider.com. They’ll point you in the right direction.