Chris Simms Has Funny Balls

According to PFT who got it from someone else who got it from a radio station, Warren Sapp relayed a story about Keyshawn Johnson on WQAM. Apparently, Johnson couldn’t catch Chris Simms’s passes because of his left-handed spin.

“Me and [linebacker Derrick] Brooks walked across the field and Chris Simms was there,” Sapp said. “He’s a big left-handed kid — Christopher as his father tells me he named him, Christopher Simms — and he throws the ball to Keyshawn on an out-route. Me and Brooks was right there in front of Keyshawn and he drops the ball and looks back at the kid and says, ‘Your ball spins funny.’ I looked at Brooks and I said, ‘I will never say another word to this man. He don’t know what my bad is Brooks. It’s always someone else’s fault.’

If you’re surprised in the least that Sapp continues to flap his gums about Johnson, congratulations, you have Down’s Syndrome. I’m sure this is a true story if for no other reason than he invoked Derrick Brooks’s name and anything involving Brooks is the God’s honest truth. But he already punked this dude out once on national TV. Is it really worth it to continue berating a guy he hasn’t shared a locker room with in five years?

And what’s this thing about “Christopher as his father tells me he named him”? The fuck? I’m getting more and more convinced that Sapp has a chip embedded in his brain that will explode if he doesn’t say a certain number of words every minute. They don’t even need to fit together or make sense in any way. He just has to keep yapping and saying random shit or his head will blow up like a Gallagher watermelon. It’s like Speed, only constantly annoying. So it’s exactly like Speed.