The Only Voting You’ll Do This Year That Matters In Any Way

A couple Buccaneers are up for those awards that only exist as branding tools for some soulless corporations that are polluting the environment and poisoning your body. And God love ‘em for it because our Bucs need some recognition.

Geno Hayes is up for Rookie of the Week, and I would have bet a bunch of money in April that I would never, ever write that sentence. Click here to vote for Hayes as the Diet Pepsi Rookie of the Week. It doesn’t say what the winner gets, but I’d bet that if Hayes won and he asked real nice, they’d give him a free case of Diet Pepsi. FREE! In other news, Diet Pepsi tastes like horse balls.

Also, Warrick Dunn is up for the FedEx Ground Player of the Week. FedEx Ground as a service is kind of slow but ultimately very reliable, which means that if Mike Alstott was still in the league, he’d win it every week.

Through the weekly FedEx Air & Ground Awards, FedEx recognizes those NFL players who represent the same speed, precision and teamwork that their customers have come to expect from the full range of FedEx air, ground, freight and international shipping services, delivering safer kids in the process.

FedEx delivers kids? Does that mean that I can ship kids? I had no idea. If I had known that, I could have saved a ton of money in babysitters.

With thousands of trucks out on the roads each day, FedEx is committed to improving pedestrian safety for children, by funding education programs and environmental improvements, from signage and crosswalks to pedestrian walkways near schools and playgrounds.

Or they could, you know, train their drivers to not run over pedestrians and children.

As long as we’re at it, the season is six weeks old so we should all have decided by now who the best players in the league are. It’s time to make the rest of the season irrelevant by voting for the Pro Bowl now. It’s all a huge load of shit popularity contest just like any other election, so don’t feel bad about blindly voting for the appropriate Buccaneer player for every category. If I’m going to send a wealthy athlete who works six months out of the year to Hawaii, it’s going to be from my team.