The Lingerie Football League Isn’t Just A Dream Anymore

I thought I was done for the day until I got a letter from a reader who tipped me off to this story about the Tampa Bay Breeze, which sounds like the name of a team in some kind of Lingerie Football League. Because it is.

Inside a cavernous warehouse in an office park west of Brandon, 40 candidates for a fledgling women's football league sweated out drills testing their speed, strength and endurance. They jumped, ran, pivoted and ran again.

I wonder how the ad read for this. "Looking for 20 hot women to be part of startup venture. Should be able to run fast and hit hard. Meet in warehouse on the outskirts of town. Dress in short shorts and half-shirts because you'll be sweating all day." Note to women: Any job where you interview in a warehouse will involve you getting naked and quite possibly some kind of medium-sized fruit.

But yeah, it's a real thing. You know that Lingerie Bowl they had as a pay per view alternative to whatever the Super Bowl halftime show was? This is that, but more of it. During the tryouts, they had draft-like events and everything. They had the vertical, the 40-yard dash and the broad jump, which is named for what the coach says to you when it's your turn. They had these in the ten different cities that will host LFL teams. The league will start playing in the fall, but the season will only be a couple months long since they want their championship to fall in line with the Super Bowl.

Then four of the 10 teams will be a part of Super Bowl weekend in Tampa. The night before the big game Feb. 1, 2009, The Tampa Bay Breeze will play the Miami Caliente and the Los Angeles Temptation will play the Phoenix Scorch.

I had the Phoenix Scorch once, but I bought a cream for it and it went away.

The business affairs director of the league, Christopher Martin, a man, said that the league isn't degrading to women in any way.

"To say it's degrading, well, these girls are empowered," Martin said.

"We agree!" said every stripper in America.

I like this idea. It's like getting to watch the cheerleaders and the game at the same time. Although I'd like to suggest that instead of playing the game on a football field, they play in a long, shallow pool of baby oil. Oh, and no helmets or pads. And use rugby rules instead of football rules, so the whole thing basically turns into an uninterrupted scrum for a football by 22 almost-naked athletic chicks. In baby oil. Excuse me for a minute.