The Worst Idea Ever

Look, I'm in favor of saving the earth as much as anyone else. I turn out lights in rooms I'm not in, I combine trips to save on gas, and when I'm roasting a baby seal, I always turn the oven off for the last ten minutes to conserve the heat. But this... this is just unconscionable.

I am contacting the management of Raymond James Stadium, home of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Specifically, I am recommending that they work with green vendors, and make upgrades such as high efficiency lighting on the field and install low-flow toilets.

Green vendors, check. High-efficiency lighting, great. Low-flow toilets at a football stadium... are you fucking nuts? This broad has obviously never been in a men's restroom during halftime and seen or smelled the aftermath of four or five beers, two chili cheese dogs and an order of nachos -- times 60,000 dudes! If anything, the toilets at the stadium need to be upgraded to constant-flow. When you sit on one, you should be slightly scared that the suction force of 20 gallons per second under your ass will do permanent damage to your colon. You should be able to visibly see the Tampa Bay waterline fall on game days. Am I being clear enough here?

Holy shit (no pun), this is a bad idea. Are you hearing me, Kerry Mitchell? Maybe you're not a football fan and you don't care. But what you're proposing is inhumane. Push for your low-flows elsewhere. Offices and apartments and government buildings are all fine places to start. But not a football stadium. It's just wrong. And on a personal note, I'm keeping my Ferguson, thank you very much.