Jared Allen Is Sophisticated

For those who haven't seen it, here is Jared Allen's Sports Arena & Grill in Kansas City, where the innuendo never ends! The bar's motto is "Wine 'em, Dine 'em, 69 'em". Allen's jersey number is 69, you see. But if this is the caliber of bar skank that Allen is offering up in his motto, I'll do my body a favor and pass.

I know there's a law somewhere that forbids bartender chicks who were hired to look slutty from having bellies that stick out like that. I hope she put enough wood alcohol in that green shit she's serving to cause temporary blindness, because that may be the only way she bags a guy with a full set of teeth. And if she's pregnant, she should stop walking on the damn bar.

Also, the menu has a section called "Dick's Dogs". Who the fuck is Dick? The chef's name is Rodney Clodfelter and some dude named "Chucky T." is also involved in the restaurant somehow. But there is no Dick. So stop intentionally making me think of dick (lower-case d) when I'm ordering a hot dog! What's wrong with you? I love a good cock-themed double entendre as much as the next brain-dead man, but not when I'm about to insert a phallus-shaped hunk of meat into my mouth. That may work with the Outsports.com crowd, but how many of them are really welcome in Kansas City?

Although I'm picking on the guy a little for being in a state of somewhat arrested development (Kettle, my name's Pot and you're black), I don't think it reflects on Allen's football work ethic or his commitment to behave himself when drinking (despite his bar's signature drink, "Jared Juice", which consists of fruit punch and everclear). Michael Bennett, who played with Allen in Kansas City, couldn't say enough good things about him. When asked about Allen's past DUIs, for example:

"Jared has really matured and he's over that," Bennett said. "I've been around the guy and know how serious he takes his job. A lot of people make mistakes and we learn from them."

Although "matured" may not be the word he's looking for, all indications are that Allen has learned where to draw the line and is dedicated to football.

By the way, Anthony Davis is currently #69 for the Bucs. If Allen does happen to make it to Tampa, chances are good that he will be the highest paid defensive end in the league and will pay whatever Davis's price is for the number, so you can count on the sex jokes continuing for a good, long time. 69! Get it? See what it looks like?