Pacman Jones Traded To The Buccaneers

Well, it was a long wait, but we finally have the answer to who the "Tiger Woods" player was going to be for the Buccaneers this year. Today, Bruce Allen announced that the Bucs have traded with the Titans for Pacman Jones. The trade was completed at the owner's meetings in Palm Beach where Allen, Jon Gruden, Mike Reinfeldt and Jeff Fisher could meet face-to-face and hammer out the details.

"We are very pleased to have Pacman join the Buccaneers," said Allen. "The negotiations were difficult and for a while it didn't look like we would be able to agree on what appropriate compensation for Pacman would be, but in the end I think everyone walked away happy."

When pressed for what the compensation was, Allen strayed for normal club policy and disclosed the trade details.

"A sandwich," said Allen. "Oh, it was a good sandwich. A club, specifically, but with extra bacon and top round roast beef, and not that store brand shit; this was Boar's Head. As I said, they were tough negotiations."

Fisher was then heard shouting to Allen from across the room, "A complete sandwich! You got fleeced! We would have settled for a hard roll with some ketchup inside!"

Allen responded to the press, "It doesn't matter. We would have given up two sandwiches for Pacman if that's what it took. The fact is that Gruden and I love a challenge. Every year, we scrape up the most ridiculous human being with the most football talent and try to turn him around in a couple months. It's kind of like 'The Swan', except instead of a crippling lack of self-esteem, our guys are socially retarded. But this year, frankly, we were disappointed with our acquisition of Antonio Bryant. Come on, a DUI, resisting arrest and a suspension... where's the challenge in that? Gruden can turn a guy like that into a pillar of the community with a scowl and a cold-cock to the back of the head with the playbook. Fifteen minutes, tops. But now we're taking Pacman, a man who completely loses his shit in strip clubs, and putting him within rock-throwing distance of some of the skankiest whores in the state. Christ, I can see 2001 and Mons Venus from the Ray Jay parking lot. And do you know how easy it is to get a gun in Florida? The last time Pacman mixed guns and strippers, they were throwing 80 grand around like snowballs and a motherfucker got paralyzed. My friends, welcome to flavor country."

Because this was a trade of two essentially inanimate objects, both were on hand for the exchange. The media flocked to the sandwich first, assuming it would have the more relevant comments, but it wisely had no comment. Then reluctantly, they turned their attention to Pacman, who was standing next to Allen. Below is the brief press conference that followed.

Reporter 1: Pacman, since strip clubs are where you get into the most trouble, do you think you'll ever go to one again?

Jones (to Allen): Where's the bitches, Bruce? You promised me bitches!

Allen (out of the side of his mouth): Later. Answer the question.

Jones: You never say never.

Allen: What did I tell you, folks? This is going to be a fun offseason.

Reporter 2: Pacman, can you give us an easy metaphor about your situation, but still somehow make it not make sense?

Jones: Man, I'm at the end of the cliff, and if I slip off, I fall off.

Reporter 3 (female): Pacman, what steps have you taken to better yourself during your suspension?

Jones: There's the bitches! (wads up $20 bill and throws it at the reporter) Pick that up, ho.

Reporter 3: You disgust me. I would never touch anything of yours.

Jones: No, not with your hands, bitch. You know how I want you to pick it up.

Allen: This conference is over.

So there you have it. Quite a turn of events in the last couple hours. I sure didn't see it coming. I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome Pacman Jones to Tampa Bay. Hey, I know a place we can celebrate.