Simeon Rice Is A Visionary

Ok, get this. Are you sitting down? Because this is totally going to blow away any concept of what you thought television could be. Ready? What if someone hired a camera crew to follow them around all day while they did shit and just taped everything? And then they pieced the most provocative parts together to give the viewer an idea of what really goes on in that person's life? Wouldn't that be fucking awesome?!? And since it's all real, they could call it "reality" TV. Maybe in, like, 100 years or something, someone will finally have the balls to do that. And when it finally happens, I hope the guy who does speaks only in strained metaphors.

"A warrior in this league, you want to go out on your sword," he said. "You want the fat lady to sing when you call her up, the curtain to close when you close it. I've been the puppet master in my life for a long time."

Yes, folks, baby Jesus heard your prayers and has delivered onto you a Simeon Rice reality show. Rice has been working out in a last ditch effort to disappoint one last NFL team before he finally hangs up his pads, and he thought you would all be interested in the process.

"My life is an eclectic ride of a lot of different moving parts," he said. "At this point, we're trying to capture a little bit on film. We want to detail the climb and fall and climb and fall of a great player - that being myself."

Simeon is a pretty smart guy, so the irony of that statement can't be lost on him. The man with a metric ton of ego is intentionally grouping himself with Gary Busey, Danny Bonaduce, Scott Baio, Brett Michaels and Flavor Flav. The difference, of course, is that all those people know they're ridiculous. And they didn't have to hire their own camera crews.

Who picks this show up? VH1 doesn't care about him and NFL Network will pass despite the fact that they air those cheerleader tryouts every year. Maybe Spike. They seem to have a thing for washed up athletes lately. In fact, even if they pass on Rice's show, watch for him on the next season of Pros vs Joes. You just know that's the next step. And it's going to be awesome. Watching some restaurant manager from Topeka launch three footballs into a bucket before Rice can lay a hand on him? I am so there.