Obligatory Super Bowl Post

Before I take off early, I want to address the emails I've gotten asking me about the Super Bowl. I've barely mentioned the actual games being played since the Buccaneers were knocked out and I wished for each of the Giants players to be ritualistically sodomized by a pack of rabid wolverines with AIDS. I may not have put it exactly that way, but that's what I meant. Anyway, since you asked...

I have to take all that back because now I am rooting for the Giants to win. The price of having the 1972 Dolphins retain their title and smugness for the five or six years they have remaining on this earth is small compared to the combined douchocity of a couple million Patriots fans with a perfect season to back up their barely comprehensible bravado. They'll be everywhere with their Brady and Welker and Bruschi and Light and any other white player jerseys, contaminating every other NFL market with Sam Adams breath as they spit and slur loudly in their language that contains no R sounds. You'll beg for the offseason to begin in earnest as the media saturation of their "Path to Perfection" drowns you in an ocean of commentator slobber and Peter King semen until the sweet release of the combine finally distracts sportswriters with the relevance of the new season. But it will only be a temporary reprieve as training camp approaches and everyone remembers that the Patriots are nursing a 19 game winning streak and 15,000 stories are written with the headline "Who Can Beat Them?" by sportswriters who bought rhyming dictionaries specifically for the word "perfect". And I'm an optimist, so it will probably be much worse than all that.

Besides, isn't a Giants victory a better story? The reigning dynasty climbing to the top of the mountain yet again only to get knocked off by the least talented of all Mannings? Jeremy Shockey taking up cutting himself just so he can feel something besides the shame of being rendered irrelevant by a rookie who knows how to pick up a corner blitz? Tom Coughlin who, by all rights, should have been instructing backup wide receivers this season being able to write his own contract that includes a section specifically titled "Fuck-You Money"? Randy Moss going off on a profanity-laden tirade to whichever senior intern is chosen to interview the losers, possibly punching him/her in the process? Now you're talking. Since I have no emotional investment in either team, I'm in this for pure entertainment value now. And the Giants winning is infinitely more entertaining than Robert Kraft getting to buy yet another gross of rings that would look ostentatious on Al Sharpton.

So, I never thought I'd say it, but... Go Giants. I can't bring myself to end that statement with an exclamation point, but know that I tried. Enjoy the game, folks. See you Monday when hopefully there will be something Buccaneer-related to talk about.