Packers Fan Is Child-Abusey

My kids give absolutely no fucks for football. Every now and then they like to go outside and "throw the ball around" with dad, but that's as far as they'll take it. On Sundays (or Mondays or Thursdays or Saturdays) when the games are on and I'm squinting to see which o-line substitution got Jeff Garcia destroyed on that last play, they're off shooting each other in the eyes with air rifles or playing video games that are rated far above their ages. Their closets have the obligatory Buccaneer apparel that they do wear from time to time, but only because it's the last remaining clean shirt that fits them. Maybe it's because we are a Buccaneer household in Falcons territory and all their buddies are wearing Keith Brooking jerseys. Or maybe, simply, football isn't their sport, much in the same way I can't watch a baseball game for more than five minutes without wanting to chug a quart of boiling battery acid just so I can feel something interesting. Whatever the reason, I have abandoned the idea of my children and I gathering around the television on gameday and cheering on the Buccaneers together.

I obviously give up far too easily.

A Packers fan who is much more dedicated to the idea of shoving team homerism down his offspring's throat has earned a restraining order from his family for his bold display of aggravated parenting.

Upset that his 7-year-old son wouldn't wear a Green Bay Packers jersey during the team's playoff victory Saturday, a man restrained the boy for an hour with tape and taped the jersey onto him.

The boy refused to wear the jersey Saturday, when the Packers beat the Seattle Seahawks in a playoff game, [Officer Wayne] Smith said. Smith said the incident sounded strange when reported at first, but the mother took pictures with her cell phone and that type of evidence is difficult to dispute.

The father, Mathew Kowald of Portage, WI, went on to say, "I didn't mean no harm." The article doesn't say how many packs of cigarettes were rolled up in Kowald's T-shirt sleeves, but I'm betting it was more than two. Plus one tucked behind the ear.

So now I think we all need to ask ourselves, do we love our children enough to tape them to a chair and then tape team jerseys on their backs in order to force them to like what we like and be little versions of us? I think you all know the answer. On a completely unrelated note, extra-wide duct tape is only $9.98 per roll at Lowe's.