Earnest Graham Will Get To Ride On A Float

Ok, so... let's see if we can find a story to lighten the mood a little. Hey, Earnest Graham will be the grand marshal at the Edison Festival of Light Grand Parade on February 16 in Fort Myers. Get it? "Lighten the mood"? Oh, bite me. You try to make something funny out of these stories.

Thomas Edison had a winter estate in Ft. Myers that he bought when he was 39. His friends and neighbors included Henry Ford and Harvey Firestone (the tire guy, not the rough-throated drag queen,) which must have been great for property values. Together, they pioneered the trend of old people moving to Florida and changing the laws to keep local ponds constantly stocked with hungry ducks and to have young people rounded up and shot. The second part of their plan didn't go over so well and has since been abandoned (see "Panama City"), but Florida to this day is known for having the most duck-filled ponds in the country. For this, Edison gets a parade.

"There's going to be the world's largest rubber-band ball... It'll be bouncing its way into Fort Myers just to be in the parade."

Statements like the above are precisely why I don't live in Florida anymore. Well, that and all the pimps who have hits out on me. Did you know hookers don't fall for the sad-look face when it comes time to pay? I didn't. But that's a different story for another day. Wait, wasn't this supposed to be about Earnest Graham?