Michael Vick Watched A Video And Now He’s All Better

Confessed dog killer and torturer Michael Vick recently completed a PETA-sponsored eight-hour class in "Empathy and Animal Protection". After the class, Vick passed a test and PETA was happy with the results.

... the Atlanta Falcons quarterback still showed up September 18, listened to speakers from around the country, watched videos, took notes and even asked questions

Some of the questions were "Where's the bathroom?" and "How much longer is this gonna be?" Most of the notes he took were doodles of women with cartoonishly-large breasts and himself with a cape.

Have you ever watched a PETA guilt-video? I've been roped into it before and, let me tell you, they're basically about twenty minutes of terrible things being done to varyingly adorable and delicious animals. It all depends on the goal of the video. If they want you to stop eating meat, for example, they'll show you how chickens and cows are slaughtered. In this case, they want Vick to stop fighting and killing dogs. But what can they show Vick that he hasn't already seen? He owned his own dogfighting operation. He actually killed dogs that lost fights. Do they think they're going to shock him by showing him other guys doing the same thing? He was probably critiquing their techniques. "Aww, hell no. You gotta hold a dog underwater for at least two minutes to make sure he's drowned. What's that guy thinking?!?"

I also love the idea that they can teach a grown man empathy in eight hours (with one hour off for lunch, of course) through a series of videos and lectures. If a person doesn't feel anything when he slams a dog head-first into the ground and hears the whines of its last breaths, I'm pretty sure his epiphany isn't going to occur as a result of a poorly-shot video that he feels forced to watch. A spokesman for PETA had this to say:

"We made it clear to him that this was something he needed to try to get something out of. We weren't interested in some kind of PR ploy."

Really? Well, guess what.

I made myself sad just now, so I'm going to post a picture to make me feel better.