Your Comprehensive Guide To NFL Criminals

Have you ever been writing a blog entry and lamented the fact that there wasn't a comprehensive list of crimes committed by NFL players, when they were committed and how they were resolved? Of course you have. Well my gossip-mongering friends, suffer no more! Thanks to the crack team of paralegals at Greenberg Traurig, no NFL player accused of a crime will be "moving on with their lives" or "putting the past behind them".

It seems that the legal team representing Pacman Jones pitched the angle to the commissioner that Jones's punishment was unprecedented for the severity of the crimes he committed. In order to prove this point, they put together a 24 page document detailing all reported crimes by NFL players and how they were punished dating back to 2000. It's like taking a stroll down Memory Lane if Memory Lane was in the Bangkok red light district.

The people who put this together made it a point to add irrelevant details when it was comedically warranted. For example, Darrell Russell was arrested in 2002 for drunk driving and speeding in Nevada. That should be enough, but the list includes the amusing detail, "after leaving the Moonlite Bunny Ranch Brothel". And when Marcus Coleman was arrested in 2004 for DUI, we find out that he "crashed his new Mercedes Benz near a Houston bar". The fact that Coleman's car was new isn't relevant, but lets the reader know that repairs were probably expensive. 24 pages of this shit! One of the things I can't figure out, though, is when they included the fact that Michael Pittman went to Mira Mesa High School in the description of his 2003 aggravated assault charge. Huh?

Anyway, print it out, enjoy it at your leisure, and ask yourself if this big book of crimes is evidence enough that Pacman Jones shouldn't be suspended for a year. Then tune in next week to see if the commissioner agrees with you.