Pacman And Ricky Are Not Getting Paid Anytime Soon

Ahh, strippers and pot. Is there any problem they can't solve? And by "solve", I mean "make much, much worse".

The void created by the derth of Buccaneer news was happily filled for me by the league-appointed court jesters of the NFL, Ricky Williams and Pacman Jones. Williams, who is on the hook to the Dolphins for a fat signing bonus and desperately needs to get back into the league to make some cash because teaching yoga doesn't pay shit and inner peace don't come cheap, will have to wait until September to even apply for reinstatement because, and this is totally shocking, he tested positive for marijuana in April. This past April, that is. Last month. Just a couple weeks ago, in fact. Williams knew I was going to write this and attempted to cut me off at the pass.

"There is no need to smear my name or to defame my character for the sake of news. When the time is right, God willing, I will be back on the field scoring touchdowns for whatever team is fortunate enough to believe in me."

1) "God willing"? If God is the one telling you to spark one up, tell Him He's not helping.
2) "Whatever team is fortunate enough to believe in me"? Mike Ditka believed in you and was fired the next year. Dave Wannstedt believed in you and because you left him in 2004 without a running back, he was fired before the season was over. Teams get fined now for the off-field behavior of their jackasses. Please don't pretend like you're some golden trophy in need of a mantle.
3) "Defame my character for the sake of news"? As stated above, you deserted your team the day before training camp. That was kind of newsworthy, as is this. Screw you. You're not allowed to use the word "character" again until you score a touchdown on a broken leg.

Not to be outdone, Pacman Jones prepared for his visit with Roger Goodell about his offseason troubles, the most egregious of which involved some people getting shot in a Las Vegas strip club, by going to a strip club.

The night before his April 3 meeting with Goodell to talk about his off-field conduct, Jones made a late-night trip to an adult New York club.

Now, to be fair, going to a strip club is not illegal (and let us all take a moment to profusely thank our god/goddess of choice for that.) But it looks reeeeeally bad when you're scheduled to meet the big boss in a few hours because you don't know how to conduct yourself is such an establishment. Tucking dollars in g-strings, ok. Throwing $81,000 in singles everywhere causing a riot, not ok. (Also, grabbing breasts and working them like radio dials is frowned upon... or so I've heard.)

For his part, Goodell treated Jones like a nine year old.

According to these sources, Goodell asked Jones what he was doing to help himself to change his lifestyle. Jones gave a lot of the right answers, such as volunteering that he was going to avoid the nightclub scene.

The commissioner asked him if the self-imposed ban included strip clubs. Jones said yes.

Goodell then asked Jones the last time he had visited a strip club.

Jones became a bit fidgety, perhaps suspicious that the commissioner was on to him, before he answered, "A day ago," sources said.

Even though Jones runs counter to everything Goodell is trying to do for the league, there's no need to treat him like a child who broke a window. "Are you sure you didn't break it?" I've been on both ends of that stick and I can tell you that the person who has the upper hand always ends up acting like a douche. The proper answer was, "I know you were at a strip club last night. Seriously, stop it, or you'll never play football again."

So, thanks to Pacman Jones and Ricky Williams for taking the edge off this post-draft lull in NFL news. I'm sure the Oklahoma City Yard Dawgz will appreciate your efforts for them next season.