Possibly The Only Entry Here That Will Ever Mention NASCAR

Since absolutely zero is happening in Bucland (unless you cared that two tryout players, CB Chaz Williams and G Anthony Wollschlager, were signed to the roster. Which you didn't.), allow me to direct your attention to the Celebrity Daytona 500 Ticket Design poll. Various "celebrities" lent their names and artistic talents to the Jeff Gordon Foundation. Each of them drew designs for the 2008 Daytona 500 ticket. The original art will be auctioned off for the foundation and the winner of the poll will get his/her artwork on the actual tickets for the race.

(I had a joke all ready about the Jeff Gordon Foundation benefiting gay race car drivers all over the world, but then I went and looked at the foundation's web site and it's a children's charity. Not even I'm that much of an asshole. After further research, it turns out Jeff Gordon is actually a very generous and likeable man despite his affiliation with NASCAR. There's even a Jeff Gordon Children's Hospital, for christsakes.)

I bring this up here because several NFL players took the time to put Crayola to paper and provide an entry. Let's start with Vernon Davis, the 49ers star tight end. (No, Eric Johnson went to the Saints.)

Not bad, right? It's actually one of two that Davis submitted. The whole paper is awash with color and it looks like something he really took his time to do.

Let's compare that with Michael Strahan's entry.

Strahan took more time on his autograph than the picture. I think we can conclude from his obvious lack of effort and dedication to the project that Michael Strahan hates sick children.

When my oldest son was about one or two years old, I remember him pointing to cars and saying "vroom vroom!" That's the first thing I thought of when I saw Brady Quinn's entry.

Quinn's tribute to Virginia Tech is admirable, but Gordon can't be happy with the itty bitty tires Quinn is putting on his #24 car. That thing's gotta handle like crap.

I think we can all agree that Mike Rucker of the Panthers wins the award for Most Ass-Kicking Car Ever.

Jeff Gordon's instructions to Rucker must have been, "Draw the absolute coolest thing in the universe." What could be more awesometacular than a car shaped like a football with a huge spoiler and flames coming out of the tires? The only thing that could possibly make it any better would be if it was being driven by a dragon and Judas Priest's "Screaming For Vengeance" was playing on its 24-speaker stereo. And who's to say it's not?

There are many other entries, of course. Some of them pander to NASCAR just to be on the ticket, some look like Where's Waldo puzzles, some are done by obvious manic depressives, and some are done by girls which should automatically disqualify them. But none of them come close to Rucker's flaming football car. If the Army were to build actual vehicles based on Rucker's drawing and drive them through Iraq, the terrorists would see how obviously awesome the United States is, lay down their weapons, and embrace the American way of life. "72 virgins? Screw that... we have flaming football cars right now!" (cue Lee Greenwood)